you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
