Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
