Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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