My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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