You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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