she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
