the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
