Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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