i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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