Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want nice things and good sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
