I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
