Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
