Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
