I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
