He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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