so that wasnt chicken after all
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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