ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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