I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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