Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
