Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
