Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize