My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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