my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
