drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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