dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize