Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This is classic penis vs brain.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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