I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
