I wish my penis had an off switch
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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