On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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