I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
