There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
