I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
