conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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