im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
