Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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