and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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