I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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