I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
