in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
