you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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