He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
