I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize