dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
