I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just want to make out with him forever
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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