Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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