I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
