you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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