I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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