I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
we're so committed to being not committed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
