I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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