I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
