Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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