Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize