Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
