i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
