You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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