I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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