I just threw up on my dentist
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
