can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
