oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
