What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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