I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
