how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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