i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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