I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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