She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
