He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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